Since it’s been forever since I shared one of my fanfics with you, I take a moment to share another story from the academy days saga with you. Enjoy the absurdity!
Once Upon a Time
or
Of Kingdoms and Haircuts
“Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom far, far away, there was a wealthy, brave, talented, noble, intelligent, daring, valiant, and strikingly handsome young prince named James T. Kirk.”
Montgomery sighed. He should have known.
The thin young Doctor McCoy mused as if trying to remember where he’d heard that name before.
Spock raised one eyebrow.
“Now this prince,” James Kirk went on, “was well-beloved by all his subjects. But he was not able to rule the kingdom because his father had left the kingdom in the hands of Kirk’s evil, annoying, calculating, tyrannical, unfeeling brother Spock.”
Montgomery groaned outright. That morning Spock had gotten James Kirk in trouble, and this was clearly his revenge.
Spock raised his other eyebrow, but he only said, “Most illogical.”
“Oh, be quiet, Spook,” growled the thin young Doctor McCoy. “I want to hear this.”
“As I was saying,” James Kirk went on composedly, “Spock was a terrible, evil ruler and so the good, kind, handsome Kirk could not rule the land. This made all the people of the kingdom very sad.
“Now there was one loyal subject in this kingdom who very much wanted to see the noble, handsome prince become ruler of the kingdom. He was a doctor.”
“I wonder what his name was?” the thin young doctor McCoy whispered in Montgomery’s ear.
Before Montgomery could say anything to this, James Kirk continued. “This doctor’s name was Leonard.”
“That’s my name!” said the thin young Doctor McCoy with some satisfaction.
James Kirk pretended he hadn’t heard, and went on with his story. “This doctor came to the valiant, handsome prince one day, and said, ‘Sir Kirk, I would like to help you become king of this land!’ The prince looked at him with a sad but charming smile and said, ‘Oh Doctor, would that I could accept your well-meant but rather foolhardy and childish offer. But alas, I know that my evil brother Spock would be too much for both of us. He has strength far beyond that of most men, and evilness to match. Not to mention a very strange and unflattering haircut.'”
Spock looked almost hurt as he smoothed down his bangs. “I do not have a strange and unflattering haircut.”
Kirk grinned, but continued. “As I was saying, Spock had strength far beyond that of most men, and evilness to match, not to mention a strange and unflattering haircut. So then the doctor looked at the intelligent, handsome prince Kirk and said…”
“I have a plan, Sire!” broke in the thin young Doctor McCoy excitedly. “We shall break into the castle with the help of my strong and brave assistant, Montgomery. He will break down the doors, then we will run in, and while you distract the guards, I will stick my hypo into the evil Spock’s neck, and cause him to suffer severe and permanent nervous system damage.”
James Kirk and the thin young Doctor McCoy snickered together. Montgomery cast a sidelong look at Spock, who appeared unaffected.
“Yes,” Kirk began again. “So the brave, handsome Kirk shook his handsome head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘You are indeed brave, if rather foolish, and Montgomery is indeed strong. But no one can stand up against the complete and utter evilness of Spock.'”
Montgomery thought this was going a bit far, and, gathering up his courage, broke in with an addition of his own. “And then,” he started, “Montgomery was listening at the door, and he heard their evil plans to overthrow the wise and good King Spock, he ran away to the palace right away and informed the king of their diabolical plot. So King Spock listened, commended Montgomery for his loyalty, and the two started trying to think up a way to stop the two treasoners.”
Spock looked gratefully at Montgomery, and went on quickly before James Kirk could protest. “Then King Spock, said, ‘Treasoners is not a word, my loyal subject, but I thank you for your willingness to assist me in stopping those who would rob me of my kingdom.’ Montgomery nodded and agreed with King Spock. King Spock, whose logic was flawless and whose haircut was NOT strange and unflattering, conspired with his loyal subject Montgomery to stop the progress of King Spock’s lawless and illogical brother James Kirk and his minion Doctor Leonard.”
“Meanwhile,” Kirk said with a glower in Montgomery’s direction, “the perfectly sensible and handsome Kirk was on his way to get help from the young knight Pavel, who was a genius at mathematics and strategizing, to help him and Doctor Leonard with their plot.”
“And King Spock,” Spock interrupted, “hurried to enlist Sir Hikaru, who was an expert fencer, to help him and Montgomery.”
“Then the clever and handsome Kirk went in search of the beautiful maiden Nyota, who would fall in love with him and assist him with his plans.”
“But King Spock found her first, and she agreed to help him instead, because King Spock was handsomer, more logical, and did NOT have a strange and unflattering haircut.”
“Nobody was handsomer than the brilliant and handsome Kirk,” Kirk sputtered. “All the ladies fell in love with him. And the usurper Spock’s haircut was STRANGE and UNFLATTERING.”
“Nevertheless, King Spock found Nyota first, and she agreed to help him.”
“Fine,” Kirk muttered. “The courageous and handsome Kirk went and got Lady Janice to help him instead in a brilliant attempt to even the odds.”
“But the odds were not even,” Spock pointed out, “because King Spock had logic on his side, and he had Montgomery, who was strong and loyal and smart, and Sir Hikaru, who was the best fencer in the kingdom, and Nyota, who was far more intelligent and talented than any other lady in the kingdom.”
“Oh yeah? Well the powerful and handsome Kirk had Doctor Leonard, who was loyal and smart and talented, and Sir Pavel who was a genius, and Lady Janice who was…” Kirk paused. “Kirk had Doctor Leonard and Sir Pavel, and Spock had a STRANGE AND UNFLATTERING HAIRCUT!”
Montgomery hastened to advance the story. “So King Spock and Prince Kirk had assembled their armies, and they agreed to meet outside the castle at noon on Friday to settle the matter of who would be king.”
“Yes,” Kirk agreed with a little pout. “But the outstanding and handsome Kirk did not think it was FAIR that his evil, evil brother Spock got Nyota instead of him.”
“It did not matter what the illogical Kirk thought,” Spock said calmly, “because things were the way they were, and it was a free kingdom, and Lady Nyota had made an intelligent and free choice.”
All of which facts were highly debatable,” Kirk mumbled.
The thin young Doctor McCoy tried to help. “A giant dragon named Romulus flew up and blasted King Spock”s castle and killed everyone inside. The end.”
“No,” said Montgomery indignantly. “Montgomery had built a shield onto King Spock”s castle, so that the dragon couldn”t penetrate it.”
“Well anyway, Prince Kirk had a dragon on his team now.”
“Really? Well, King Spock had a giant, fanged beastie named Klingon Empire on his side, and it was much bigger and fiercer than Prince Kirk’s dragon.”
“Oh, for goodness sake.” Kirk rolled his eyes. “There were no dragons and no beasties. The two armies met at noon and the intrepid and handsome Kirk led the charge.”
“Yes, he yelled, ‘Charge!'” broke in the thin young Doctor McCoy.
Montgomery grinned. “And then King Spock said, ‘Charge who for what?'”
Spock almost smiled. Then he took up the story. “Sir Hikaru leapt forward and immediately defeated Sir Pavel with his fencing foil.”
“No,” Kirk hastened. “Sir Pavel was too nimble for that. He jumped aside and pulled a phaser on Sir Hikaru.”
Montgomery broke in again. “But Montgomery had created an energy field around the battleground, and no phasers worked. Sir Pavel was so surprised that his phaser didn’t work, that he stood staring stupidly at it, and Sir Hikaru promptly slashed him through with his fencing sword.”
“Correct,” Spock nodded. “And then Lady Nyota rode up with her bow and arrow and shot Lady Janice.”
“No,” Kirk protested. “Lady Janice… um…” He paused, clearly trying to think of anything Lady Janice could do. Then he hurried on, so as not to give Spock a chance to start again. “Alright, but Doctor Leonard killed Montgomery with his sword.”
The thin young Doctor McCoy let out a wail. “No! Doctor Leonard didn’t kill Montgomery! He would never do anything like that!”
Kirk stared at the thin young Doctor McCoy. “Why not?”
“Well… well…” stammered the thin young Doctor McCoy. “Well, Doctor Leonard wouldn’t kill anyone. He was a doctor, not a soldier.”
“He wouldn’t even kill King Spock?”
“Welllll…”
“While Prince Kirk and his loyal doctor were arguing,” Spock continued, “King Spock jumped forward and calmly performed the Vulcan nerve pinch on his illogical brother Kirk, thereby reclaiming his right to govern the kingdom as he saw fit, AND proving forever that he did NOT have a strange and unflattering haircut.”
James Kirk sighed. “But he didn’t kill him, did he?”
“No. He was a good and kind king,” Montgomery assured.
“Good.” James Kirk brightened up. “As soon as the Vulcan nerve pinch wore off, the resourceful and handsome Kirk jumped up and drove his sword through his evil brother, ridding the world of the tyrant.”
“No,” Spock said calmly. “By that time, King Spock had had Kirk taken to the dungeons and locked up, along with his surviving accomplice Doctor Leonard.”
“Actually,” said Montgomery, taking pity on the thin young Doctor McCoy and the rather forlorn looking James Kirk, “James Kirk apologized for what he’d done, and King Spock forgave him, and they shook hands. Then it turned out that Sir Pavel and Lady Janice were not really dead, and King Spock invited them all to a large banquet, and agreed to let his brother Kirk co-rule the kingdom with him.”
James Kirk looked at Spock with slight suspicion. “Did he really?”
“Yeeesss,” Spock said with some hesitation. “As long as Kirk, who really was a smart and kind prince, promised that he had learned his lesson.”
“And a handsome prince,” James Kirk nodded, perking up. “And then the happy and handsome Kirk promised that he had learned his lesson, and reassured his good, logical brother Spock that he did NOT have a strange and unflattering haircut.”
James Kirk grinned charmingly, then stretched and yawned. “Well, I should be going to bed,” he said. “Good night!”
He got up off the couch and ambled out of the room. Spock stood up too. “Good night, gentlemen,” he said with a nod. “And Mr. Scott, I thank you for your assistance.” He almost smiled.
“You’re welcome Mr. Spock.”
After Spock left, Montgomery turned to the thin young Doctor McCoy with a smile. He felt at peace with the world.
“Thank you for not killing me, Doctor.”
The thin young Doctor McCoy pouted. “Why did you side against me?”
“I just felt bad for Mr. Spock. It wasn’t really fair for you two to gang up on him like that.”
“Fair? Fair?” The thin young Doctor McCoy jumped up. “Don’t you talk to me about fair, Montgomery Scott! The next time we meet in battle I’m going to lop your head off, doctor or no doctor!”
Montgomery was tired and in no mood to be yelled at. “Try it, laddie, and I”ll shut down the energy field and blast you with such a powerful phaser nobody will be able to tell what’s Doctor and what’s McCoy!”
“If you do, I’ll knock you on the head so hard you’ll have to brush your hair with a wide-toothed comb!”
Montgomery had no idea what that meant, but it made him mad. “Well if you do that, I’ll kick you so hard you won’t be able to sit down without bending your knees!”
“Do that and I’ll punch you so soundly you’ll see stars every time you look at the planetarium ceiling!”
“Well then I’ll turn you around so fast you’ll hear voices every time you turn on the radio!”
“Oh yeah? Well then I’ll push you so hard you’ll land on the ground every time you fall from a tree!”
“Well then Iâ’ll slap you so sharply you’ll have to look up to see if it’s going to rain!”
“Alright, then I’ll shove you so far you’ll have to turn your toes forward when you walk!”
“Then I’ll bop you so hard you’ll never look at the wall without seeing…”
The door to the lounge swung open, revealing an angry faculty member.
“You two again,” he said with great impatience. “I thought so. Detention for the rest of the night.”
As they sat in detention, the thin young Doctor McCoy turned to Montgomery with a sincerely mournful face. “I’m sorry to get you into this mess, Scotty.”
Montgomery sighed long and lastingly. “That’s alright, Doctor,” he said with great weariness. “Let’s just get some sleep.”
“Scotty?” the thin young Doctor McCoy called softly as Montgomery was drifting off.
“Yes Doctor?”
“Be honest now — do you think that Spot fellow has a strange and unflattering haircut?”
Montgomery sighed once again. “Goodnight, Doctor.”